Living - and nearly dying - in Misery

Tonight, I hit a deer on my way home from work. I'm OK, but it was pretty scary. The collision went down something like this...

I had just crossed MO-19 where it intersects with MO-54, heading east towards Mexico. (I realize that some of you might be geographically challenged. Mexico the country is actually hundreds of miles south of us. Mexico, MO is like a 35 minute drive from COMO.) As I moved along, I suddenly noticed a deer...I hit the breaks...deer against windshield...skidded...deer flew off as if it was sucked away by a tornado...I stopped in the middle of the road.

I looked around and noticed that I was not in a good spot and needed to move. The truck behind me had stopped and luckily there was no traffic coming in the other direction. I pulled forward and over to the side of the road. The car seem to move and run just fine.

I got out to inspect the damage. The hood and grill were crushed, but the wheels and engine looked pretty OK. There were four or five huge cracks in the corner of the windshield, but it looked to still be intact. There was something splattered all over the windshield - maybe blood but most likely slobber. The best part is that a bunch of the deer's fur was caught in the grill.

The truck behind me pulled up and the driver got out to see if I was OK. I told him I hit a deer. He responded, "Really? I didn't see a deer." As I pointed to where I thought the deer landed, I noticed the deer on the opposite side of the road, hopping through the field as if nothing had happened.

I checked to see that my headlights worked and the guy in the truck followed me as far as Mexico. I then drove the rest of the way to COMO.

Somehow, the car ran fine. So, I figured I'd drive home and deal with it in the morning.

Then, about a half mile outside COMO, the engine began making funny sounds. I hit the hazards and pulled into a gas station parking lot. After getting hit up for some gas money and receiving permission to leave the car overnight, R came to my rescue and took me home.

In the end, I'll have to get my car fixed right away. So, you know what I'll be doing tomorrow morning. There goes another half-day of work. Friday's happy hour can't get here soon enough.

It's just another day in Misery.

The Effects of Music

I actually wasn't going to post this, but it's been running through my head all day. This something really had a profound effect on me. It had to with music and it reminded me why I love and obsess over music so much.

Let me set the scene...

Part of my job is to travel around central Misery to visit the teachers I train. I usually hang out with them during their planning periods to discuss inquiry or using technology or something like that. That's sort of how things went today, but the bell rang, effectively ending the visit.

I had some time before my next visit, so I figured I'd hang around and watch this guy's lesson. It was a class of eighth or ninth graders, I believe. After some bell work, the teacher began by reminding the class of the definition for a metaphor. He was going to give the students an opportunity to write metaphors about aspects of various pieces of art. He began with Van Gogh and Dali paintings before moving to music.

There were four songs used for the lesson: "Mmmbop" by Hanson, some metal song, a Miles Davis track, and "Biggest Lie" by Elliott Smith. I mention "Biggest Lie" last as it had the biggest effect.

"Mmmbop" was played first. The teacher made the connection with Hanson being the Jonas Brothers of the mid-nineties. The students laughed and made fun of the track. This was expected.

At this point, the students were really engaged and wound up. They were chatty, making fun of the art their teacher chose or some of their funnier attempts at metaphor.

Then, "Biggest Lie" was played. It hit me really hard as this may be one of his more prophetic pieces of music. The story of Smith's unfortunate death ran through my mind. I nearly teared up right there.

Suddenly, I realized the entire class was silent. They just listened and wrote. These kids know nothing of Elliott Smith. They had never heard of him, but they paid attention now.

The rest of the period returned to the same silliness. The kids went back to joking about the metal song and groaning about jazz.

The Elliott Smith song had an effect on these kids. A cold listen silenced them. There was no back story, video, or even picture of the artist. They just stopped everything to listen to the music.

One kid even wrote his metaphor about death.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe I'm putting my own opinions and feelings on this song. Maybe I'm projecting just how important this song and its creator were to me in interpreting their silence as admiration. I don't know. I just know that it affected me.

Whatever your feelings about Elliott Smith or his music, you have to agree to the amazing effect great music can have on our lives. It's why we dedicate songs on the radio. It's why you and your significant other have "our song". It's why a computer company saved itself by creating the most innovative music player ever invented.

If music doesn't affect you, then you're soulless.

Below is a fan-made video for "Biggest Lie".

Blogroll

Some of you have figured out that this is not my only blog. I write about and for my job, my interpretations of Pavement songs, memories of encounters with rock stars and memorable shows I've seen, and a few other things. The idea was to keep this blog somewhat focused, which has worked to varying degrees.

For those of you who can't get enough comoprozac ramblings, you should check out my other blogs. Here's a brief rundown of the blogs I write. The new goal is to post at least once a week on each blog in order to make them worth the read.

living in misery - This is the one that started it all. I'm over 240 posts in and I'm still not sure what it's all about. I complain about my home, ramble endlessly about music, and write about life in general. I guess it makes sense. To date, this is also my most popular blog. When I post, my numbers go up. When I post something really good, they really go up. (Although, I suspect a drop with this run-on of a mess.) This may be my pride and joy. I even have a few items at CafePress, not to mention a whole store at CP.

Mr. E. - This blog has now been started three times. It was originally on Edublogs, but they were going through some transitions and I grew impatient before bolting to the friendly confines of Blogger. The resulting blog was supposed to be a way for me to give my thoughts on my work in education, but it soon spiraled out of control as I walked a thin line between personal and professional feelings. The general tone and feel of the blog was way more negative than originally intended, so I deleted it. Although the original version still exists over on Edublogs, I have once again revived Mr. E. on Blogger. Now, my hope is to post weekly on an educational topic that's on my mind. This time it will be constructive and not cross lines of professionalism.

Suppl_eMINTS - Keeping with the educational blogs, I post periodically on topics and resources I think can help the teachers I train. This blog will really only interest those in education, but I invite everyone to check it out. Again, my new goal is to post weekly, which should be easier with the summer months approaching.

I can't sing it strong enough. - I discovered My Impression Now after reading about it on fellow Guided by Voices fanatic John Sellers' blog, Angry John Sellers. The idea of writing an interpretation for every GBV song stuck with me. It was ingenious. I wondered if anyone had started a similar blog about Pavement. After extensive research (aka a Google search), I discovered that no one had yet started an oeuvre blog for my favorite band. So, ICSISE was born. Again, this blog needs some posts. I've barely made a dent into Pavement's discography in comparison to other similar blogs, but I'm determined to post one a week until I'm through. I wonder which song I should interpret next...

Anecdotal - I noticed that I was spending too much time reminiscing about back in the day at all the rock clubs and such of my youth. This didn't jive with the "now" aspect of lim. So, Anecdotal was born. This has been the most fun blog to write. The posts are either too brief or too rambling, but that's how my memory works. Sometimes I run out of good stories, but I think that a weekly rehash of my indie rock lifestyle would stir up some good stories I've forgotten.

Besides the blogs I write on my own, I also contribute to several collaborative efforts. MMEET (or as I pronounce it, "mmmmmmmmeet") stands for Mizzou Men for Excellence in Elementary Teaching...or something like that. Our group is primarily made up of area elementary school teachers who happen to be male. The funny thing is that maybe two of us are actually teachers in elementary schools. The rest of us are either attending MU in order to teach, teach other grade levels, or are grad students. It's a hodgepodge of guys, but we are all interested in how gender affects teaching.

Digital Vittles may be the first blog that I knew the people who were posting. It's a foodie blog based out of Columbus, but has since spread due to so many of us getting jobs in other locales. When I say that it's a "foodie blog", what I mean is that we write about all things edible. There are restaurant reviews, recipes, shopping highlights, and general food-related discourse.

Famille à la Maison (or Family Home, I believe) was my attempt to bring my family into the 21st century. It has worked to some degree with my mom occasionally posting, but I have been the biggest contributor. Someday, I'll get them all to post something...maybe.

The final blog is dieta estúpida (stupid diet). This blog was started by my blogging friends Lovey and Pizza Cottontail. They and their friends were struggling with their waistlines and decided to support each other with a blog. What resulted is sometimes humorous, sometimes disgusting, but always self-affirming. I have never struggled with my weight until I started aging, became less active, and have suffered from too much stress...and probably drank too much beer. So, to struggle in a group of like-minded individuals has been great. Now, if we could all get back to blogging so that the weight loss can continue...

Why do I blog so much? Well, I suppose it's out of loneliness, but I prefer to see it as a way for me to make my own community where there is little. Sure, we have friends in COMO. I have made several new connections in recent weeks. The only problem is that I'm not around these people all the time. Additionally, my job has me isolated in my home office or on the road. I need more community, and the blogoshpere is giving me that community.

As part of my community, you should feel free to read the other blogs and leave some comments. You may also want to keep an eye out for the blog I will undoubtedly publish about my kid. I will try to keep up with all these blogs as best I can. Of course, living in misery will always be updated. I mean, it's the state I'm in.

#100

To commemorate my 100th post, I have decided to countdown the top five moments of living in misery history.

5. My First (Real) Comments - When I first started this blog, I thought that you posted some writing and people from all ends of the world wide web would somehow Google their way to your blog and leave amazing comments about what an insightful writer and modern-day Socrates you are. Well, that didn't happen. Instead, I got SPAM on my comments. I soon learned that you have to (1) set the security on your comments section, (2) read other people's blogs, (3) comment on those blogs, and (4) promote yourself endlessly. Eventually, bloggers and laypeople alike began posting their comments on this here blog, now 100 posts old.

4. Local Celebrity Status - One day in early June, I received this random email that included the following...

I ran across you on Flickr and then linked to your blog. I like what you are doing and hope you will share with the rest of us. We can list your blog under “local blogs” on our site and even take posts from it to feature in MyMissourian. Right now, I am looking for photographers willing to share their perspective on the Twilight Festival. No rules, just perspectives. Interested?

To make a long story short, I said that I was interested. Since then, the Missourian has run at least two posts and I've earned a mention in the Vox. I know that ain't much, but I'll take it.

3. Honorable Mentions - Thanks to all the networking and the blove (blog love), I have had some nice shout-outs from my fellow bloggers. The networking continues as a friend is planning on having me conference electronically with his college class to discuss blogging, web 2.0, and citizen journalism. I sometimes feel isolated here in Misery, but blogging has helped fill some of that void.

2. Spin-offs/Life-changing Effects - This one is odd. I recently started and ended a rather controversial blog about a local radio personality (and NPR in general) that ended in one friend being asked to leave and helping to create an untenable working environment. It certainly helped to change their lives and it affected me as well.

I've also begun other blogs with less-disastrous effects. My oeuvre blog dedicated to Pavement earned a mention on Fluxblog and is linked to several other oeuvre blogs. While it won't change any lives, it has given me a chance to write only about my favorite band in the world, Pavement.

1. 100 - #1 is lame, but I am kinda proud that I've made it this far. I've come a long way since my first post in August of last year and I plan to continue...as long as I can find time outside of my real job.

This Is the End, My Friend

We recently purchased a new car, since my new job requires me to drive all over our great state of Misery. It's not that we only had one car already. It's just that my old friend, the '97 VW Golf, is on its last leg.

There's something about one's first car. Sure, I had junkers that I shared with my siblings, but this was the first new car I ever owned. I remember being persuaded by that VW ad with the Nick Drake song playing in the background that this was the car company that would somehow make my life better.

It was the ideal car for me. The hatchback and fold-down seats made it possible for me to leave Ohio forever, but I didn't leave for eight years. The six-disc CD changer allowed me to drive all over with the soundtrack to my life playing in the background. Chavez's Ride the Fader was the perfect album for long drives across rural Ohio. This car was for me.

As the years passed, I took this car everywhere. There was the not-so-well-thought-out backpacking trip through the U.P. in April. I drove it to Columbus (before moving there permanently), Detroit, Cleveland, Newport, KY, and Cincy for rock shows. I drove through the fog to and from Wisconsin for a Thanksgiving with Modest Mouse's new CD (The Lonesome Crowded West) on repeat. We took a 48-hour road trip to Coney Island for the first Siren Festival. Then, I drove my old friend here.

I'm not usually attached to things. Music, sporting events, good beer and food, sure. Friends and lovers will always have a place in my heart, but they have to make room for my car.

It was apparent the end was nearing when we closed on our first house and stayed to paint a couple of weeks before moving. The car broke down nine hours from home. I wasn't sure I'd even be able to bring it back at all. It turned out that the compressor could only work with the AC running while driving on the highway. The car would sputter to a stop whenever my speed dipped below 50. We made it home, and I returned with my car two weeks later.

Anyway, we bought the new car, a red Versa, to tool around COMO, while I drive all over Misery in R's Vibe. My car has already been sold off to a student thanks to our very odd insurance guy. All I need is to locate a new title, and she's gone. She's gone. Oh I. Oh, I'd better learn to face it. She's gone.

(Author's Note: I apologize for the Hall and Oates reference. I couldn't resist despite sounding way too melodramatic.)

I'll Plead the First

Since I started this blog almost a year ago, I have wondered, "How much of what I do here is protected by my first amendment right to say what I want?" I mean, that's why I blog. I have something I want to say, get off my chest, and I want someone to hear (or read) my opinions. I want there to be a record of my thoughts. I even welcome interpretations and criticisms. I want to use this basic right as often as I can, before it's taken away.

If you've been reading lim for a while, you know that I've blogged about pretty much everything, sans my relationship. I've blogged about my situational depression, my troubles at work, my feelings on politics, and (mostly) my thoughts on indie rock. I haven't held back.

I remember after I expressed one of the lowest moments of my life, a co-worker commented that she had no idea I was in such a state of misery. I never intended for her to read those words, but it helped me realize what a powerful tool blogs can be. She would have never reached out to me, if she hadn't read my blog. My heart and blog have been an open book ever since.

Could any of this ever be held against me or other bloggers or even those who comment on blogs? Nothing should happen to us. We do have that first amendment thing that protects us from being thrown in jail, losing our job, or generally being harassed. We're merely expressing ourselves in a public forum. Isn't that protected in the Constitution?

As a teacher, I've always been somewhat careful about not putting too much of myself out there so that I wouldn't lose my job. I've plastered the trunk of my car with leftist bumper stickers, written letters to the editor, and have been pictured protesting the war in the paper, but I've done nothing that I felt should get me into trouble.

Some of you will know why I'm writing about this. For those who don't know, just be careful what you write online. Anyone could read it (especially you, Mr. NSA agent man). I've caught some shit for what I've written, and I haven't said anything important, yet.

I promise that I'll lighten the tone next time out and go back to complaining about Misery, touting Obama as the next Kennedy (Yeah, I said it!), and reminding you that I did, in fact, score Arcade Fire tickets.

I've been busy, but I've had time for this...

Tightening the (Bible) Belt Around the Neck of Diversity

There really are good reasons to call this place "Misery".

A co-worker of mine used a nationally-syndicated editorial supporting gay marriage to teach her students about this style of writing. Of course it caused a huge uproar. Did the parents go to the teacher or administration with their concerns? No. Instead, they went directly to the school board and media. What did they want to accomplish by going to the media? If they wanted to make their feelings known and to make sure the topic wasn't brought up in class ever again, all they had to do was talk to the principal and teacher. Instead, they got on their soapbox behind a veil of parental concern and preached their intolerance for gay marriage.


The morning after this story hit the local airwaves, the assistant principal called an emergency staff meeting to clarify the situation. Instead of clarifying the story, she painted her own picture of a teacher who had done something terrible, had made a horrible decision, and was very, very sorry. She then told us to keep in mind "all the many good things X has done" and that "this was a case of a good teacher making a bad choice."

How patronizing!

I asked X what happened. She was perfectly aware of the decision she made and was not sorry for it. Students had brought this topic up out of curiosity. Obviously their parents were too scared to discuss it at home. (Don't want to give Johnny any ideas.) X knew what she was doing. She wasn't about to make any apologies, and she shouldn't have to. I'll remember all the great things she has done as a teacher...including discussing the benefits of legalizing gay marriage.

Now, lawmakers in Misery are using this case to further their own cause of "intellectual diversity". (Notice the quotation marks. I want to put separate marks around each word since the bill in question is neither "intellectual" or "diverse".) If anything, my friend has created a more diverse classroom with this topic while parents and administration have narrowed the perspectives to that of the conservative-right-wing-Christian variety.

Have I mentioned that I am glad to leave that school? It's going to be a lot easier to live in Misery without having to deal with that sort of bullshit.

(The school in the news...)

The Search Is Over

A friend posted this as a comment on my last entry:

Hey! This isn't related to Little Brothers. But, anyway--YAY!!!!!!!!!

You know what I'm talking about.

What she is talking about is that my job search is finally over. Early this morning, I received emails in response to thank-you's I sent out the night before to my interviewers for a job I really, really wanted.

The job is awesome! I am in-charge of the implementation of a program that brings inquiry-based pedagogy and accessible technology to public schools all over Misery and six or seven other states. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect job right now. I get to work from home. They will provide me with a laptop, cell phone, printer, and other office supplies to use at home. They also will pay for my travel expenses as I explore this great state of...oh well, I guess just this once...Missouri.

This is a great opportunity and has inspired me to begin a more-educationally focused blog elsewhere. By the way, thanks Donna.