Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Miserable Predictions for 2007

Here are my miserable predictions for 2007...

1. Sufjan Stevens will release four albums this year in order to keep up with the demand for more records about states. However, two of those albums will just be out-takes and b-sides collections of the other two. "Why-oming" will chronicle the history of the "Equality State" (It's true; look it up!) and Jesus. The highlight of the release will be a haunt-y acoustic ballad about Matthew Shepherd entitled "Fence Posts and the Many Reasons God Loves (Not Hates) Fags". The second state to receive treatment will be New Jersey. The most played track will be "Sister New Jersey Stares Across the Water at Her Big Brother New York and All that It Has to Offer With Its Fancy Clubs and Yankees".

2. As promised, Beirut will release an album of French pop songs that will cause Pitchfork to either A) proclaim Beirut the next Air but cooler 'cause they're from Brooklyn, or B) crash and burn Beirut's bandwagon for a new Ghostface Killa single.

3. On the Conan O'Brien Show, Yoko Ono has to perform solo when Chan Marshall falls off the wagon and the stage. Conan makes a joke.

4. Pavement re-release Brighten the Corners. (Note: Last year I accurately predicted that Pavement would re-release Wowee Zowee. Of course I was only kidding, but now I'm not.)

5. Columbia's documentary film festival known as True/False will triple the current population of Columbia. The result will be that no Columbia natives get in to see a film...aside from some screening of the much anticipated pairing of Ken Burns and Werner Herzog. Their documentary, Gay as the Seventh Inning Stretch, will chronicle the careers of gay baseball legends such as Roger Maris, Lee Smith, and Babe Ruth. Belle and Sebastian will handle the soundtrack. A special appearance will be made by gay baseball legend Mike Piazza.

6. The new iPod Gigantor will be released in time for Christmas. The Gigantor will hold an incredibly endless supply of memory as it beams your term papers, Sufjan Stevens' albums, wedding photos, episodes of the Office, etc. to the brains of third-world child-laborers working in Nike factories. The Bluetooth technology is actually inserted into the children's mouths where once-rotting teeth existed. Ironically, the Gigantor is the size of a nickel.

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