Daddy in Misery

Don't misinterpret this post's title. I love being a dad. Love it. However, I have a problem with how dads, moms, babies, and families are treated or expected to act.

Take Lu's and my trip to the doctor's office today as an example. Lu had a fever yesterday and hadn't been herself for the past 24-36 hours. R and I decided to get her an appointment ASAP. Since she had another commitment during the doctor's appointment, I had to take the baby to the clinic alone.

While going through the preliminary checks with the nurse, she commented on Lucia's attire. She said, "Ooh, you're wearing a lot of colors. Daddy must have dressed you today." I don't know if she was saying that Lu looked bad or mismatched or what. Whatever she meant, it sounded sort of insulting. I know how to dress my daughter. She happened to be wearing an outfit of mostly blues and greens (which she looks good in) with her pink plaid jacket.

After I explained that Mommy actually was the one to dress Lucia, the nurse explained that whenever her husband dressed her daughter he dressed her like a boy.

What the hell does that mean?

This is what she was wearing. Maybe she was giving me a hard time for putting those shoes on her. She hasn't quite grown into them yet. Either way, what did the nurse mean?


Another example of something that annoys me about parenthood is the lack of changing tables in public restrooms, especially men's restrooms. I don't know how many times I have been forced to change my daughter's diaper on the floor of a public restroom or had to pass her off to her mother because only the women's restrooms were suitable for changing.

Why is this a hard concept for stores and restaurants? Just put one of those Rubbermaid fold-away changing tables in every restroom or provide family restrooms in addition to those divided for the sexes.

Eventually, I plan to start one of those Google Maps that identifies all the businesses with changing tables for dads. That or I'll start changing diapers on restaurant tables and counters (after we eat).

People always assume R is solely responsible for Lucia's well-being. Sure, thanks to breastfeeding and whatnot, Lu is in a mommy stage and turns to her mother the most. However, that does not excuse me from my responsibilities as a parent. I can dress, feed, soothe, entertain, nurture, and teach my daughter as much as my partner. Granted, I don't do nearly enough, but I'm working on it. It doesn't help that so many people assume and accept that I do nothing. And it certainly isn't fair to R having to take so much responsibility. It's as if she has nothing else to do (like write a book) and I am incompetent because I'm a man.

This goes along with the double standard I felt during R's pregnancy. Sure, she was expected to take her maternity leave, but I was blatantly teased once about my paternity leave. My time off wasn't even a quarter of what R was given (although, she should have received more) and I was made to feel bad about taking my two measly weeks to help out.

R and I talked about this double standard as we negotiated our day. It was plenty acceptable for her to cancel a class this morning in order to be available for Lucia in her time of need. However, had I canceled my training session this evening, I'm sure someone would have questioned that decision, wondering why Lucia's mother couldn't handle it on her own.

I'm frustrated with how folks expect so little from dads. I'm even more frustrated that I fall into the trap of fulfilling those prophesies all the time. There's always more I could do, but it seems as if it's OK for me to flake. Default care always falls on R's shoulders. I'm doing what I can to right this wrong, but I've got a lot working against me.

Sometimes the expectations aren't just for the parents. People often have these preconceived ideas for what Lucia should be. I really get annoyed when folks try to pigeon-hole my 7-month old daughter.

First of all, Lucia is not "Daddy's little girl" or his "princess". She is Lucia. Lucia is my daughter. She is as much her mother's little girl as she is mine. And that princess crap...Don't even get me started. Lucia will be allowed to be herself, whether that's princess-like or a tomboy or whatever she wants to be. To me, the terms "Daddy's little girl" and "princess" are limiting no matter how well-meaning people intend it to be.

Secondly, Lucia does not have to constantly be identified as a girl. Sure, she is a female and has been given a feminine name. Yes, we periodically dress her in somewhat girly clothes, but this is not a prerequisite for her identity. Lucia does not lose who she is as a 7-month old because she's wearing blue or lacks a frilly dress. It's not a big deal if you confuse her for a boy. It doesn't offend me. We won't give her baby bangs or those headbands with bows just so you know she's a she. Lucia is Lucia and that's enough for me. (Sorry for rhyme. Too much Sesame Street.)

I could probably go on but I won't. I don't want to offend anyone for making comments or assumptions about my family and me that were only meant to be positive. Also, it's fine if you want to cling to traditional gender roles within your own family. I just have to vent about all this somewhere. It gets old and tiring to constantly have to combat with societal views that do not jive with my own.

So, when you see me with my kid, don't assume that I'm counting the minutes until Mommy returns. Try not to limit Lucia to a princess with no gumption or identity that stretches beyond traditional gender roles. Know that I love and try to take responsibility for my Lucia as much as her mother does. Know that this daddy thinks about these things and is trying to raise his child the best he can.