Monday, August 11, 2008

What if we moved?

Since it's not guaranteed that we will live here forever, I've often wondered what would happen to this blog if we were to live in another state. It wouldn't make sense to continue to live in misery if I didn't live in Missouri. So, I decided to compile a list of the blog names for the other forty-nine states just in case we move sooner than later. Don't worry, I won't punk out like that Sufjan Stevens character. I'll make an entire list of blog titles with a brief description for a couple of them...

Alabama: I Hope Neil Young Will Remember--My politics and music taste fit better with Neil Young than the average Alabamian.

Alaska: I don't know. Alaska.--Like living in misery, this little mnemonic device helped me score an "A" on my states and capitals test in fifth grade. Juneau the capital of Alaska?

Arkansas: Like Kansas, but with an Ark--This is not a good start, but I actually know very little about our neighbors to the south. Keep reading. Some of these get better.

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat--I always hear people say this, but I don't really understand what it means. Of course, I've only lived in places with high humidity.

California:Two States--Come on. I'm a Pavement fan. How could I not call name a blog after a Pavement song? There are a couple of blogs to work around for the URL, but I could do it.

Colorado: Color Me Daddo--Hey, I'll be a dad. I'll live in Colorado (hypothetically). This one works.

Connecticut: I'm Rich, Bitch!--I don't mean to be crude, but you have to be rich to live in Connecticut, right? The line is from a Dave Chapelle sketch where African-Americans are finally rewarded their reparations.

Delaware: Delaware? Delahere.--Where is Delaware anyway?

Florida: South of the South--I mean, it really is south of the south. You can't get any further south in the US...unless you're in Mexico.

Georgia: Blog with the Wind--Gone with the Wind is set in Georgia. That one's easy.

Hawaii:The Republic of Hawaii--This blog would have to be created once I become a local. I'd complain about all the white people vacationing in my home and wish they all would return to the mainland.

Idaho: Ida-Blog-Ho--Although it could be argued that this is highly offensive and does not jive with my feminist leanings, I couldn't resist. Besides, I'm calling myself the "ho." What's wrong with that?

Iowa: Not the Same as Ohio--People here always get Ohio and Iowa mixed up. Plus, I could reminisce about the good ol' days in the buckeye state. That never gets old.

Illinois: Come on, Feel the Illinoise--I don't care if Sufjan Stevens already used this for an album title. It's a good one, and I like me some puns.

Indiana: What's a Hoosier anyway?--Seriously. I want to know. I also considered "Hoosier Your Daddy?" as a blog title.

Kansas: Intelligently Designed Blog--They like their "intelligent" design in Kansas. Why can't my blog be intelligent too? It hasn't so far, but if we move to Kansas...

Kentucky: Kentucky Fried Blue Grass--I tried to combine two of the most popular things associated with Kentucky. Besides, it doesn't sound as bad as "Kentucky Fried Thoroughbreds."

Louisiana: Post Katrina--Well, if we were to move there, it would obviously be after the whole Katrina cluster-f***. It's also a nod to my friend at post-december.

Maine: Missouri's Compromise--This title would bring together my previous work on lim and my new (hypothetical) home in Maine. Maine was the other half of the Missouri Compromise. If Missouri was to enter the union as a slave state, there had to be free state to keep things equal. Maine was that state.

Maryland: The Old Line--I don't really know what this means. I just know that Maryland is known as "the Old Line State" in some rather nerdy circles.

Massachusetts: The Commonwealth--Massachusetts is technically a commonwealth, which just means it has a "government based on the common consent of the people."

Michigan: Fichigan--Don't ask me why. You just have to realize that I'm a Buckeye.

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes--Have you ever considered what 10,000 lakes must look like? It's quite an image.

Mississippi:We're Number 50!--Mississippi ranks like last (or first, depending on who you ask) in every category. I could name all the ways in which Mississippi is worse off than everybody else.

Missouri: Living in Misery--I'll miss it when I'm gone...the blog, that is.

Montana: Joe Montana Does Not Live Here--I know there's that town that changed its name, but come on. There's nothing else going on there, except Californians moving there to enjoy the great outdoors.

Nebraska: Corny--In this blog, I'd identify all the things that make Nebraska corny. Number one would be corn. Then, I'd have to look for something else.

Nevada: A Distinguished Failure--Nevada is known as the Sagebrush State. Mark Twain once said, "
Sagebrush is a very fair fuel, but as a vegetable it is a distinguished failure. Nothing can abide the taste of it but the jackass and his illegitimate child the mule."

New Hampshire: Blog Free or Die--The state's motto is "Live free or die." I could not resist.

New Jersey: What Garden?--Garden State my ass. What about Jersey makes it anything like a garden?

New Mexico: I Prefer Mexico's Early Work--You know, like people who say they stopped liking Pavement after they "sold out" with Slanted and Enchanted.

New York: New York Peppermint Patty--I would imagine Peppermint Patty unleashing herself on the Big Apple. It could be fun.

North Carolina: Beer and Indie Rock--I realize this blog would be almost indiscriminate from my current blog, but it would be too overwhelming to ignore in NC. Asheville has something like eight breweries and Chapel Hill is home to Merge, my pick for #1 record label.

North Dakota: Ya Betcha--With the largest city being Fargo, how could I not make a Fargo reference?

Ohio: This Place Is Flatter Than It Seems--I ripped this from the Modest Mouse song named for the buckeye state.

Oklahoma: The Sooner, the Better--What will come sooner? I have no idea.

Oregon: Beaver State--I would get a ton of hits from this one...inadvertent hits from porn seekers, but hits nonetheless.

Pennsylvania: Quakers and Coal--I got this title from Pennsylvania's top two exports.

Rhode Island: It's Not the Size of Your Boat--RI is the smallest state in the nation.

South Carolina: Boiled the Sound to Dry--This comes straight from the Archers of Loaf song of the same name as the state in question. It was really hard to pick out a line from this song that would make a good blog title.

South Dakota: South DeCola--Actually, this one is already taken. You should check it out. I'll have to think of something else.

Tennessee: You're the Only Ten I See--Again, I couldn't ignore the opportunity to use yet another song for a blog title. I'd envision this as a blog of top-ten lists. I like lists.

Texas: Beers, Steers, and a Blog--Texas is so big. How could any one blog truly encapsulate its greatness.

Utah: Poly-blog-amist--Too obvious? Too awkward?

Vermont: Where Hipsters Go to Die--I have Lovey to thank for this one.

Virginia: Virginia Is for Bloggers--You've seen the t-shirts at Urban Outfitters. Now you can read the blog.

Washington: How You Like Them Apples--I hear they grow a lot of apples in Washington.

Wisconsin: Mmmm Cheese--I think I could find a way to make every single post address cheese in some way.

West Virginia: How Wheeling Feels--This is a Joan of Arc song. Is there any other town in West Virginia?

Wyoming: No One Will Read This--Wyoming is the least populous state in the US. Who wants to read a blog from Wyoming?

Does anyone have any better ideas? I don't think we'll be moving anytime soon, but I'd like to read your insights.


Um cara ae said...

Maybe a blog from Brasil, ha =D

joe pettis said...

Georgia - Blogging on my Mind (in obvious reference to the song "Georgia on my Mind")

Unfortunately, it is already taken; otherwise, as a Georgia resident I might be willing to use it.

Sarah said...

Holy cow, you've topped yourself on this one! What a fun read. My favorites: Connecticut (when my husband called me to tell me he got a raise, I told him I was going to paint "I'm rich, bitch!" on our mailbox...he didn't think it was a good idea), Kentucky (I'm biased), Maine (that's just genius), New Mexico (har!), North Carolina (because not only is this place Beer & Indie Rock, it's also the most awesome place to raise a child. I'm swinging my shirt round my head like a helicopter RIGHT NOW), Tennessee (from our family's favorite song, in spite of the KY dis...Louisville *is* death, my friends), and good ol'WV (...come on, though, I graduated from college in a non-Wheeling town: Huntington, WV, home of Marshall's Thundering Herd. You might have wisely chosen to miss the movie starring Matthew McConawhatever. Also, there's Charleston. Also, Point Pleasant, brief home of Mothman. And Morgantown, home of the Mountaineers. Yup, come to me for all your WV fact needs. If yer ever going to move there, you'd best get educated.)
Anyway, the point here is, good work. And NC needs a blogger who doesn't make really lazy lists...
Finally: It's a states kind of evening here--

jenny said...

I suggest something like--
"Arkansas: I fucking hate academic life."

Actually, that would work for
South Carolina
and certain places in Pennsylvania

Pizza Cottontail said...

You need to experience dry heat. It's the least oppressive heat there is. Except for warm.

There isn't much to know about Arkansas except they still tell Monica Lewinsky/Bill Clinton jokes there. Also they have accents, which is the funniest part about the jokes.

Huey said...

This was a beautiful post! I loved it. Too many good ones to list them all after 5 previous comments. And I love your Buckeye state pride. Thank you brotha.