An End to the Skinny Jean

It is now time to retire the skinny jean. Along with the poodle skirt, the bouffant hairdo, polyester jumpsuits, and those gigantic black jeans with all the chains that goth kids wear, the skinny jean must go. The skinny jean has had its fun and needs to move on.

Maybe it's just that I'm getting to that age when I see the kids in all their fashion and wonder, "Why in hell would you ever wear that?" Maybe it's the fact that I wouldn't look good in skinny jeans. Maybe it's the fact no one looks good in skinny jeans. I don't know what it is. I just know that it's time for this fashion trend to end.

I've often thought this about the skinny jean, but it never really seemed that important until earlier this week. I was walking up to the 'Tag complex to return some DVD's at 9th Street Video (on Hitt). In front of me was a sweet hipster couple, enjoying their stroll and each other. They were young and relatively attractive. There was at least one ironic thrift store t-shirt and a scarf, suggesting they were into fashion.

Then, as one does when walking behind people, I looked at their butts. It was horrifying! I'm sure these young, attractive hipsters have very nice rear ends, but their skinny jeans did them no justice whatsoever. The male hipster had a sag effect, making one believe that he actually had no ass. The female hipster had a very common problem among women trying to pull off the skinny jean: Her ass looked enormous over her pole-like legs. Neither hipster looked good in the jeans, despite their generally good fashion sense and cool haircuts. It was sad.

And these are not the only ones. The skinny jean has ruined many-an-ass in recent years. Plus, it seems to be spreading.

The problem is that the skinny jean is not for most of us. I fit this category. Although my butt is OK, God cursed me with bowed legs. They're so bowed that my dad used to say. "Comoprozac, a pig could run between your legs and never touch your knees!" So, no one needs to see me in some skinny jeans any time soon.

The skinny jean doesn't work for most body types. If you have no ass, like the aforementioned male hipster (mipster?), you look sort of silly with the combo-sag-spandex-like look. If you have any kind of ass and thin legs, the skinny jean exaggerates the discrepancies, making your legs look like sticks and your ass ten-times bigger. Plus, there are all the other various body types that don't fit the perfect model-type body for which the skinny jean was designed.
Are you muscular? You look like an anime character on HGH. Are you exceedingly thin? Your legs look like twigs. You got a little junk in yo' trunk? It looks like your garbage is spilling out. It's just not a good look for anyone.

There is nothing wrong with your body; it's the jeans. I do not discriminate against body types, only skinny jeans...oh, and hippies, but I digress. I applaud hipsters for making the skinny jean their own while companies like the Gap make it for no body, but the madness has to stop!

Hipsters, you all have a lot to offer the world. Don't cut off the blood supply to your head by virtue of those skinny jeans you're wearing. I understand that you don't want to look like the jackass at the bar in his boot-cut denim or the gutter punk in his acid wash, but come on. The skinny jean does you no favors.

So, take my advice and start a new trend this fall. Drop off you boxes of skinny jeans at the thrift. (The Salvation Army staff will hang them in the children's section.) Grow an ironic mustache...even though that trend died two years ago. Or wear that giant t-shirt that hangs off one shoulder with the matching leg-warmers. Just don't wear your skinny jeans. You deserve better.